My Facebook Friend Policy

If you are on Facebook, and an increasing percentage of you are, chance are likely that you get asked to link with someone as a friend all the time. But what do you do when someone you do not know asks to be your friend?

For me, this is very difficult. I try very hard to be accessible to people, particularly if they share my passion for blogging and social media. I also understand the power of the network and that the more nodes you have the more "influence" you have.

But to me, calling someone a "friend" is a form of endorsement.  It tells others that I say you are okay.  Chances are likely that you are, but I have no way of knowing that, particularly if you requested we be FB friends, without sending a note explaining how we connect or why you want to be my friend.

Every time this has happened, I have sent people a note, thanking them for the request and asking how we connect. Nearly half of these notes go unanswered and I delete the request. That's easy for me.

The other half is more difficult and I have found three times that I choose to make someone a friend:

1.  If you connect with several people who i consider close and real friends. I sometimes ping this mutual associate to find out if he or she really knows you. Then I'll make you a friend.

2. If we've never met, but I know who you are by your blog, your job, your online communities or even your photos, I will make you a friend.

3. If you reply to my note and say something that is authentic and appeals to me. For example, I'm a sucker for college students who have read my book.

Of course, all this angst takes time.  So I am posting this so that I can link to it and send it when someone requests an FB friendship.  Heh. It will even send a little traffic my way.

Comments

[rightantler]

I agree this is a tough one. Over the years I've used various online networking sites and generally been very open about connecting. I joined Facebook recently and decided to try something new. This time I only connect with genuine friends, or people I understand the connection with.

Actually, my logic is very similar to yours and I think I will link to your post when I get similar requests.

I like the new strategy, I love being 'connected' to my friends and reading via their status, what's on their minds, without ever having to bother them. If I don't know someone, connect with me on LinkedIn - that way I stay 'availble' but still a little more in control.

[Stephen Collins]

Nail on the head here, Shel. Pretty much exactly what I do.

For many of the social networks, there needs to be an intermediate concept where the contact is a person you know online, through business or professional activity or whatever. They're not a friend, but they are someone you do or want to maintain contact with.

[Tinu Abayomi-Paul]

Well, it's getting spread around, so it's definitely spreading traffic, Jeremiah Owyang shared it with me via Twitter.

Thoughts: First, I don't take the term "friends" at Facebook literally, though I do behave friendly to the people I'm connected to unless they do something Unfriendly, which has only happened one time. (Stalker. I'm a girl. It happens.)

Also, because of the nature of Facebook to introduce my I pretty much add anyone who can give me an authentic association. There are people who follow my blog who want to be closer, and I add them. I also add people who are my evangelists, as well as people who may have never heard of me, who are Evangelised by me.

I've learned that people I add on Facebook follow my blog more closely, and are generally more responsive. That makes my policy a bit more liberal. However, that's the beauty of Facebook, we all get to build our walls at any height we please - not something we should judge each other for, as it goes to preference.

This is turning to a blog post so when I get one done, I'll send you a trackback.

[Ciarán]

I agree with you on the need for some kind of validation. If you received a phonecall out of the blue from someone asking to be your friend, without giving you any reason whatsoever, you would probably hang up, add the number to your caller ID, and hope that they never call you again. If on the other hand, that person makes an effort to explain why they would like to get to know you should at least hear what they have to say.

I think the same rules apply on FB as in the real world. If they claim to be Bob's friend, then get in touch with Bob to make sure that they are really his friend and that they are sound of mind. I also feel that this in itself is not a concrete enough reason enough to add someone to your friend's list. There should be something in the way of shared common interests. There is so much grey area it is impossible to assess every individual case. In any case if you don't share any very personal information (address, phone number, etc) on FB (which I strongly recommend that you don't) you shouldn't have any problems adding this person to your friends. And besides if things get out of hand you can always delete them later on.

[Ellen Gerstein]

I tend to be slightly more liberal when it comes to accepting people on Facebook, only because I can later delete them. But does that make it worse, to be a friend and then cut them off? I accepted the request of someone who now is overwhelming my feeds with posted articles and the like. I haven't cut him off yet, instead I asked to see "less of him". I know some have done that with Scoble, but almost everything he says comes with some value. Not this guy. And since he's trying to be Scoble, I'm planning on sending him a note on why he's going to not be my friend.

Ah the new frontier!

[Geoff Livingston]

Friends is such a misnomer. Once again the Internet revolutionizes nomenclature. I think your policy is smart, especially given your stature in the biz.

[glemak]

agreed shel, especially given the nature of fb, your filtering process makes sense, i do exactly the same - send a quick note back asking "how do we know each other or if we don't whats you're interest?"...

[howardgr]

Great idea Shel.
I created a general policy a few years ago
http://www.correspondences.org/archives/000550.html
but you remind me it's time to update mine for 2007.

[Charleen Taylor]

I agree! I consider Facebook a credible business/social network. I'm a bit taken aback when I get a "poke" or someone sends me a .. dessert? This playful behavior I expect on MySpace, but I don't go for that here. I'm here to reap valuable, usable information, not to date.

[ckeene]

The sites themselves don't always make it easy to make a graceful exit. I have a huge queue of LinkedIn requests hanging around in my inbox because I don't have the guts to turn people down but LinkedIn doesn't give you a wimp-out option. It reminds me of calling someone you don't want to talk to and being so happy to get their answering machine!

[Ivan Chew]

Your Facebook policy makes a lot of sense to me, Shel. I'm adopting it!

[Marti]

I only ask people to befriend me if I know them though some other area, such as I have commented at their blog (as I have yours) or they've commented at mine.
You and I corresponded briefly when I asked you about your Halloween memories, for a blog post I was writing.
I appreciate the add, and hope you have a wonderful Labor Day holiday!

[Ellee]

I would suggest that becoming "friends" this way gives people a genuine opportunity to learn more about each other. I am on twitter with Scoble and find it fascinating to pick up his views on all the latest gadgets in this latest informal way.

I try to sign up with "like-minded" people who I hope to learn more about via the social media. Otherwise we would never leave our comfort zone if it was purely restricted to known people.

[Ellee]

I would suggest that becoming "friends" this way gives people a genuine opportunity to learn more about each other. I am on twitter with Scoble and find it fascinating to pick up his views on all the latest gadgets in this latest informal way.

I try to sign up with "like-minded" people who I hope to learn more about via the social media. Otherwise we would never leave our comfort zone if it was purely restricted to known people.

[Kaytee]

I don't take the term 'friend' literally on facebook or myspace. With all but afew people (2 actually) they are people that I would LIKE to be friends with, if I am not already.

Family, Elementary, Jr High and High School Friends, College Friends, People I've met through various jobs, volonteer activities, or at Parties, or taken road trips with etc.

I really don't get random requests though, I'm not on a lot of groups, I don't have a blog etc, and I am by no means any form of celebrity.

The few people who i've questioned have turned out to be people I knew just, that had changed their names (got married/decided to go back to using a maiden name etc) or younger siblings of friends who I did remember after my memory was jogged... oops...